||[Feb. 8th, 2006|01:41 pm]
|||||goldfinger | don't say goodbye||]|
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Lehigh County dolls for the
Parkland Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Macy*s in the Lehigh Valley Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Easton Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary
education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Bethlehem Barbie: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is
only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills.
Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Emmaus Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for
this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Nazareth Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a
Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired! Ken's ass when she is
drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely
Macungie Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet
Palmerton Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's
house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Lehighton Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless
feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her
"! Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Lehighton Barbie's and
the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Allentown Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are
not available for Allentown Barbie or Ken.